Bridging the Parenting Style Gap with Adam Angel
I work with over 150 fathers a year in fatherhood support groups, therapy groups, and individual therapy. Mothers and fathers are suffering in supporting their children. By working to create an agreed upon approach to care that meets the needs of their children, themselves and their relationships, we can make headway in our challenges.
At some point during our dads groups, someone will mention a relational dilemma specific to their family system.
“I feel like I am no longer a priority in my wife’s life, I can understand being number 2 but now I am number 6.”
“I can’t even try to offer my opinion, she is just going to decide, but then I feel like I can’t complain because I know how much she does breastfeeding the baby.”
“As soon as I do anything, I feel like she comes over to correct me.”
“I encourage her to make time for herself just as I am trying to make time for myself but she tells me I am being selfish because someone has to take care of the child.”
The above relational challenges that some fathers face come alongside common new parent experiences that all parents face. These include, but are not limited to, identity change, loss of previous lifestyle and relationships, lack of sleep, trauma from the birth experience and feelings of lack of connection to the baby. All of these can deepen emotional challenges in fathers.
The answers to these challenges are complex because the causes are complex. There are of course the many structural challenges that are politically and culturally embedded into the current parental experience of many Americans. As part of the cultural reality, there are the many unfair expectations of women, including the real and perceived pressure for parents to parent the “right” way. These messages are by and large directed at mothers.
As a response to the lack of support and ubiquitous cultural messaging, parents can try to parent to impossible standards, causing strain on themselves and their primary relationships. The process of discerning what is needed for parenting becomes the primary challenge, and feelings of overwhelm can easily enter. The casualties of this reality show up for fathers as feeling disconnected, helpless, angry, alone and are compounded by what fathers have missed out on from their own life experiences.
At a time when many men are challenging the prevailing cultural notions of what being a father is, many still do not have a role model for this (this phenomenon is termed the ‘role model gap’). There are a few additional key factors that also cause strain in fatherhood. These are:
many men have had little experience with infants and young children
men generally have done a more limited exploration of their emotions
a lack of deep support from other men
Some men react by disconnecting and distancing themselves, burying themselves in work, or by acting out in anger at self or others. Other men may overextend themselves and experience the overwhelm and anxiety more typically associated with women’s experience in child-rearing.
Finding a way for men to establish their own parenting path by giving them space to learn and make mistakes means evaluating each parent’s own wants on a scale that includes the values of not just the child, but also each individual parent and the coparenting or couple’s relationship. Discerning, discussing and agreeing upon the care that you will jointly implement as parents, is essential and protective to all three relationships (child, couple and relationship to self). My hope is that this joint inquiry between parents will challenge cultural assumptions and expectations, cultivate understanding and empathy, and bring about further agency in each parent.
Please join Adam at the Nurture Nook for a free 1 hour discussion on how to Bridge the Parenting Style Gap on Oct 8th at 10am. If you would like to learn more about dads groups or bridging the parenting style gap community conversations, you can also reach out to Adam directly at adam@dadswithwisdom.co
Where: Nurture Nook is located at 8320 Professional Hill Dr.
Fairfax, VA 22031
Meet Adam ANGEL, LCSW-C, LICSW
Adam is a clinical social worker with 15 years of experience working with youth, adults, and families. Adam is a licensed social worker and his specializations include postpartum mood and anxiety disorders and developmental trauma. Adam completed his undergraduate at the University of MD and obtained his MSW at Howard University before working in the nonprofit world where he facilitated a number of groups including groups for men. Adam lives in Silver Spring with his wife, two kids and their dog.