LaKisha’s story of Motherhood: Reflections on my birth as a blind, black mother
Introduction
Hi there! Thank you for taking the time to be in this space with us virtually! This is our first featured story on the Breastfeeding Center’s blog. Every week, we will be highlighting a birthing parent of color as we believe sharing stories are important in creating community, access, and connection. Our hope is to share authentic stories to highlight black and brown voices and not just the disparities, but the joys too! Parents are given several questions and asked to be as honest and transparent as possible as they share their very unique experience.
Today, we welcome Lakisha’s story! She’s based in San Antonio with her partner Axel and their two year old son Xane and one year old daughter Xaniah. She is pursuing her master of clinical rehabilitation counseling at Texas Tech University Health Science Center. She recently started a health and wellness fitness journey and is a Beachbody Health and Wellness Coach. We want to uplift her in love and light! Enjoy her story!
LaKisha’s story of Motherhood: Reflections on my birth as a blind, black mother
Angel: What was your birth experience(s) like from start to finish? What emotions did they bring forth for you then and now? Were you surrounded by loved ones or a birth-team, or an online community?
LaKisha: I had two birth experiences. With my son, my water broke at 37 weeks and 6 days. I went from work to the labor and delivery at my assigned hospital. When I arrived, the doctor came in to examine me. He said “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your water broke. The bad news is you can’t leave.” I was very disappointed. I had been planning to labor at home so that I could have more of a possibility to have a natural birth. It was just my boyfriend and I at the hospital. We did not have any nearby family; just a few friends. My contractions weren’t progressing enough, so I had to be induced late that night. After being induced, my contractions started to intensify. Four hours later, they slowed back down. I was getting checked the next morning and a nurse encouraged me to get an epidural.
Angel: Yes, this touches on sensitive subjects including coercion and intervention. There has been a trend of disparities within the healthcare system for black women— specifically in birth. Black Women reportedly are dying 3-4 times more than any other groups in the U.S. Systemic racism and prejudice within the medical system perpetuated by medical providers continuously discounts and disregards these women's voices. Black women often do NOT feel heard during treatment. One call to action has been more patient-centered care that prioritizes black womens needs and provides consent without coercion, allowing them autonomy and safety within their births. Studies continually show that access to a doula decreases the morbidity rate for black women and babies by providing advocacy, encouragement, and support.
LaKisha: During this pregnancy, I was not able to find a doula, so I did not really have anyone else there to advocate for me. After receiving the epidural, I was confined to the bed for the rest of my labor. I was glad that the epidural took most of the pain away; however, I did not like the fact that I could not feel my legs. It took me 20 minutes to push and that was a horrid experience in itself. I could not feel my legs enough to push correctly. When my son finally came out, he was not crying, his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck.
After my son was born, we got a lot of questions about whether we had someone at home to take care of our son because we were blind. Hospital staff wanted to bring a social worker into the room. When it was time to leave, the nurses did not want to help us put my son in the car seat. We had never buckled a child in a car seat, and they said it was against hospital policy to assist with car seats. Luckily, we found two nice nurses who were willing to show us how to operate the car seat.
Baby Xane laying in his hospital crib after his birth
Angel: This part of your story resonates a lot for me. I think blind parents are often judged much more harshly than sighted people. Their capacity for their own well-being and their ability to care for their children are scrutinized. Lack of understanding, infantilization of parents, and discrimination disguised “concern,” can show up as negative attitudes, unsolicited commentary, and interventions by medical professionals and social workers. Often blind parents find themselves having to fight to keep their children or even for basic rights to make decisions for themselves and their families. Legislation is expanding to include many protections for birthing people/parents with disabilities, but it is still a daily fight for the parent to be seen as equal and given the autonomy, access, and accommodations that are rightfully deserved.
Lakisha: My birth experience with my daughter was completely different from my son’s. I had begun having labor pains a week before my daughter arrived. Two days after my due date, I went to see my midwife for a regular baby wellness checkup. During the visit, she performed a membrane sweep. I was told if the sweep didn’t work, I would be induced the following week. While the membrane sweep was being performed, I was having a contraction. It was the worst feeling ever...at least I thought. Not even five minutes after I left the doctor’s office, my contractions intensified. When I returned home, I decided to go for a walk-in order to get my labor in active status. While walking, I had to take multiple breaks due to having severe contraction pain. I stayed home and labored for 10 hours. I was lucky to find a doula for this birth. While I stayed home laboring, I was able to talk with my doula. She gave me great tips that allowed me to stay home longer. Some tips included walking, taking showers, and bouncing on a birthing ball. I decided to head to the hospital when my contractions were 3 minutes apart. I thought I was going to give birth in the car. I had the sudden urge to push as we drove down the highway. Once we were in the emergency room, the pain started to get the best of me. I got upset because they wanted me to sign several papers. I must admit, I was getting very angry because at this point, I was ready to push the baby out. A family member signed the necessary paperwork for me, and we were on our way to labor and delivery. When we arrived at the labor and delivery floor, I was 8-1/2cm dilated. We arrived at the hospital around 10:05 P.M. and my daughter made her debut at 11:00 P.M. If it was not for my doula, my boyfriend, and my mother in law, I probably wouldn’t have lasted long. I was so close to wanting an epidural. The nurses asked me several times. Some techniques that my doula used to calm me was an ice-cold towel, massages, and soothing compliments. I was also able to hold my boyfriend’s hand and squeeze when I needed to. But, to be honest, I did not have the energy to squeeze. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to give birth with my midwife. She was not on call when I went into labor. I kept telling the nurses and doctor that I needed to push and that I was ready. They didn’t believe me. They finally gave me the go ahead to push and as soon as I pushed, my daughter was sliding out. The doctor wasn’t even prepared. She was just putting on her gloves! My daughter was born at 11 PM, 55 minutes after I had arrived at the hospital. It only took one push.
Baby Xaniah making her debut.
Baby Xaniah
Angel: Black birthing people struggle to feel heard in healthcare settings. They report feeling dismissed by their concerns, being minimized, or just left out of the conversation entirely. This can be detrimental and lead to many of the negative, yet preventable, outcomes seen today. You deserved to feel heard and validated in all of those moments. You deserved providers who were both competent and listening. More exploration into policy, procedures inside and outside of the delivery room for better care of Black and Brown patients is needed. Accountability is needed moving forward for the healthcare providers who continually perpetuate racist, ableist systems.
Angel: Did you chestfeed/breastfeed? Did you feel like there was access to both information and professionals during the process?
Lakisha: I was not able to breastfeed my son. We breastfed for three days because he had trouble latching on. He was tongue-tied. We got his tongue clipped and it was the most horrific thing I had to endure. It was so painful hearing my baby cry out and I couldn’t help him. I cried while the procedure was being performed. Since we could not breastfeed, I decided to pump for him. That only lasted three weeks before I lost my milk supply. With my daughter, I was able to breastfeed successfully. We have now been breastfeeding for 15 months. We were exclusive for the first four months of her life. When she began early head start, we supplemented during the day and breastfed whenever she was home. When she turned 6 months, we started adding solids to her diet. Now, she only breastfeeds when she needs comfort and to go to sleep.
Angel: Support is everything! Initiating lactation rates are seen lowest in black birthing people of any ethinic group. Black birthing people have the lowest duration of any ethnic groups at 6.5 weeks. According to the CDC, Black birthing people chestfeed at a lower duration due to a higher demand to return to work, receiving less information surrounding lactation, and receiving less support. Evidence shows that creating a system of support including competent familial support, postnatal support, and lactation consultation positively increased the duration of the birthing parent. But, often, systematic and medical racism isn’t considered within the rhetoric of black people breastfeeding. Often, black communities don’t receive the same funding and access to community care that is affordable nor in proximity to them. The images displayed in media acknowledging breastfeeding often don’t include black families. And negative associations in the black community often deter black mothers from breastfeeding and receiving support. Black mothers weren't allowed into white hospitals or able to buy bottles or formula, so breastfeeding was coercive. As a result, today in many black communities grandmothers and older relatives discourage breastfeeding due to its historical connotation. Educating both the support system, the community and not just the birthing parent is paramount.
Angel: Did you plan your pregnancy?
Lakisha: My first birth was not planned, but it was expected. My second pregnancy was a complete surprise. My children are fifteen months apart, so I was not expecting to become pregnant so soon. My son was only 7 months old when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Both of my births were in a hospital. I could tell a difference between hospitals. When I gave birth to my son, I lived in Baltimore MD. I was so afraid to let my baby cry for long periods of time because I did not want them to think we couldn’t take care of him. I felt this way because they continuously asked if we had someone at home to help take care of him. They were even going to send a social worker into the room to talk to us about parenting. However, the pediatrician on duty told them that we did not need to see the social worker. I am so grateful for her!! When I had my daughter, we lived in San Antonio TX. I am not sure if the nurses at the hospital were used to working with blind individuals or whether having a doula involved kept them from asking uncomfortable questions. I honestly believe it is a mixture of having a doula and knowing that we had an older son. They were very attentive to me and my daughter’s needs. They did not ask the dreaded question about having sighted help at home. It was a great experience!! When I was pregnant with my son, I received prenatal care from an OBGYN. She was AMAZING! She listened to all of my concerns and answered all of my questions as best as possible. I received treatment from a midwife when I was pregnant with my daughter. Even though I had a great OBGYN, there is nothing like having a midwife. She was so encouraging. I told her that I wanted to have a natural birth and I shared with her my fears of having a medicated birth. She was very supportive by giving me suggestions for laboring positions, contacting a doula, and different techniques to kickstart my labor. I believe midwives are sent from heaven!! They are more personable which makes it a lot easier to talk with them.
Angel: Every woman deserves to feel heard in the healthcare setting. Reproductive justice alliances exist because families are not listened to by providers who do not take the time to discuss patient care. Whether OB-GYN or Midwife. It’s so important to take the time to find the provider that both centers and listens to you!
Angel: What milestones are you proud that your children are making? What do you find are the joys and struggles of being a parent?
Lakisha: My children have made great strides as far as development. They both started walking at 10 months old. They are currently 1 and 2 and they are progressing well with their language skills. They love to sing along to nursery rhymes, and they have the best bond ever! The joys of motherhood are being able to watch my children grow into awesome little people. I love seeing them accomplish different age milestones. I also love the fact that they have a great bond. When they wake up, they are always happy to see each other. They play with each other. Listening to their conversations and little giggles brings so much joy to my life!
The main struggle I have with motherhood is my lack of self-care. I am always sacrificing myself for my family! I understand that is what a parent is supposed to do; however, I would love a little me time. I seldomly get breaks from my kids. I have them every day, all day! My quality of sleep has decreased since I have been a mom! I am grateful for my children;’ but, I would like a little more time to devote to self-care. I want to be able to be healthy and stable for my children. I can’t be strong and here for my children if I am not able to be there for myself! When I first became a mom, I was very excited. However, I was not sure how I was going to take care of a child. Not only that, I was terrified of what the sighted world would do. I have heard horror stories about blind parents getting their children taken away from them. I would be heartbroken if that were to happen to me. The way I got over this is by ensuring I am the best mother I can be. I am 100% involved in EVERYTHING my children do. I want everyone to see and know that I fight for my kids, I have my kids’ well-being as a priority, and because I am blind doesn’t mean I can’t be involved in their schooling or extracurricular activities!
Angel: I think all mothers, but especially black mothers, report feeling overwhelmed and stressed by the pressure fulfill obligation that comes in many directions from interpersonal relationships to external work obligations, often left wondering when is there enough time for themselves. It’s important to emphasize and remind new mothers that it is okay to ask for help. It’s okay to prioritize themselves. Its okay to take a break. As a Blind mother there is even more of an external pressure to be the best as the world continuously doubts you, but we know that blind mothers are capable and exemplary, just as Lakisha is. The intersection between these two identities can be hard to manage, but the message is plain - SUPPORT black parents in whatever stage they are in.
Angel: Is there anything you would change or do differently now with the knowledge you have gained as a parent?
Lakisha: There isn’t much that I would do differently. One thing that I can think of is listening to my mother more. It can be very overwhelming becoming a new parent. Everyone has an opinion on how you should raise your children. I always had the fear that people were trying to interfere with how I raise my kids because of my blindness. I wish I would have listened more and did not expect the worse from others. My mom was a great help. She came to visit for two weeks when my son was born. We got into a lot of arguments during that time. At the time, I felt she was being overbearing and trying to take over because she didn’t think I could take care of my baby because of blindness. But now I know that she was just being a mother and passing on valuable motherly advice. I wish I could go back and apologize to her for the arguments! If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be doing some of the things I’ve grown to love!